F-ing up my future.

The Future. I am afraid, no not afraid, I am terrified just thinking about it. Every minute I get closer to mine and all the realities of it become more and more clear to me. And every second it comes closer I find myself even more unprepared. I do not know what I want to do, or who I even want to be. I lost sight of my dream, not only that I have gone completely blind to the vision of who I want to become. I used to have a plan, had the biggest dreams of anyone I knew. Thought I could take the world by storm, but now I realise I have just been lost in the wind.  And it feels like everyone around my has a grip on their future, at least to some extent. But me, I am not even reaching out for anything. I am just letting myself fall, and it is all happening in slow motion. I want to scream out for someone to grab hold of me, save me before I crash, but I know I would only drag them down with me, so I have bitten my tongue. I feel more than unprepared or lost. Like I am lost in space and the air is getting ripped from my lungs as I try to breath. I am not ready for any of this and it is all going by so fast. Even as I fall apart time keeps moving on, every second I am older, closer to having to face everything on my own. And I can’t stare down reality, not yet. I am afraid of failing. Failing myself and everyone around me. I am not ready to grow up! But I know I have to. And it is scaring the hell out of me. 

I mean I always dreamed of college. Getting a job I love and living in a beautiful house somewhere. But I am not sure I can do it, and I have become too afraid to even try for it. I know I am just benching myself, faking an injury so I never have a chance to get hurt. But it is life and there is no sidelines to sit on as I watch it pass by. I can’t give up, but I am. I mean it is horrifying. How am I supposed to make it out there in the real world. The reality is, colleges are harder to get into the the Olympics. And I am not a brainiac, or some amazing athlete. I don’t stand out from the crowd in anyway. I am no better than any of my peers, in fact most of them are better than me. I don’t stand a chance to compete. And I just, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how I will ever face up to reality. Or how I will ever succeed. I don’t know who I will become, or even who I want to be. I don’t know if it is just me, but I do know I am scared. The future is unpredictable, and I am not ready.  

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