Treading Water.

Ever have that sense in the pit of your stomach about something. Like after you have lost something and you know in your gut that it is either gone forever or you know you will find it. I have that only I haven’t lost anything. Every time I imagine being in a relationship with someone I get that feeling. And no matter how much I try to refuse it, I know it is there. It is a void, like I’m empty. And I can sense the truth it is telling, I won’t ever have love. I won’t ever be complete. I see other couples and I envy them, but I know that all I will ever feel is envy. Because in the pit of my stomach that is all there is… emptiness, a void, nothing. I feel like I am drowning in my own loneliness and choking on my sorrows. The feeling never ceases, only fades for awhile. But right now I am treading the waters of this misery, and I am failing to remain afloat. Sometimes I consider just going under, allowing myself to drown. At least then I can be released from this. Even pain would be welcomed, so long as it filled the emptiness.

I am alone. I don’t have any true friends. I know everyone else secretly wishes me away. If they don’t hate me they either haven’t got the heart to admit it to themselves or they are on the brink of losing their tolerance.  I am not even sure my parents care. Well I know my father doesn’t. But my mother is colder to me than ever before. Or maybe I am the cold one. Maybe life is just eating away at me. And I have become bitter in my sadness. Perhaps I should just let it consume me. I am not happy and I don’t think I ever will be. So why suffer? I don’t believe in the afterlife. I know don’t think there is a God waiting for me above the clouds in a castle of white. And even if there is I doubt that would be my destination. I know my body will just rot and decay, and I will just be a faded tomb stone among hundreds of others.

But I know I can’t do that. After all I am a hopeless believer. Even if there is nothing life holds for me at least I can still witness the joy it holds for others. I believe in soulmates, and destiny. I would have to imagine that this emptiness is because my soul mate is already gone. Or maybe I just haven’t found them, it is almost funny the tiny shreds of hope that we find ourselves clinging to. Even as I drown I will still hold firm to my life preserve, and hope with every ounce of my soul for someone to rescue me.

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