DayDreams

I imagine a heaven, in order to escape this hell. I am aware of the truth, as the pain it causes is inescapable. It is of my own choice that I create these dreams, and it is my own choice whether or not I abandon them. I am allowed to dream of sweet love, to help endure bitter hatred. I am allowed to have my own sanctuary, even on that is only in my mind. Some do not understand why I would create a lie, in order to keep myself sane enough to bare the worlds truths. And I could never explain to those people why I day dream. And I do not think I need to. So what if I dream of a life I will never live, it does not harm anyone. Some tell me to pull my head out of the clouds, but they do not understand that the ground I walk on is in flames. They do not understand that in order to survive hell one must believe in a heaven. It does not change my reality, but it allows me to hope that a better one will come about. But my reasons do not matter, they are mine. And I ask that no one tell me I should not allow myself these fantasies, because it is not and has never been their decision.   

In Need of Rehab

Love can be just an addiction. The ultimate high from just the thought of someone.  Your heart pounds as your head spins, and your knees give just in time for you to soar sky high, and sit atop cloud nine. You feel alive in the moment, until the inevitable happens. When you think about it and fall from your day dream and crash back into reality. The pain reminds you of what’s real, and it isn’t love. What’s real is the addiction. After the crash you do anything to get back up again. You never actually love the person the same way no one actually loves the drug. You just love the way it feels. And like drugs trying to cut yourself off to get over them only makes you crave the high more. The blade in your heart will hurt just as much as a needle in your arm, but the high seems worth it. But, it isn’t. You deserve better than just a high. You don’t need someone to make you skyrocket. No what you really need is someone to pick you up. Not to place you on a flimsy cloud but on a pedestal. So they can admire and love you. That’s what you deserve, so drop the needle and do what’s right for you. It might take time, but that person will come around. Good things come to those who wait. 

Wishes

I’ve wished on stars,
I’ve wished on candles,
I’ve wished on Dandelions,
As the wind blows,
I’ve wished for you,
I’ve wished for me,
To be as happy as can be,
I’ve wished for love.

Twist

You put a dagger to my chest,
Whispered this is for the best,
My heart beat fast against the blade,
To you I was just a game to be played,
I scream for the pain that’s sure to come,
You sit there and laugh cause you knew you won,
With every sweet word you push it in,
And I loved you more with every sin,
All your words sounded so sweet,
You really swept me off my feet,
I know the blade didn’t miss,
As you began to twist,
Hilt to my skin you struck me deep,
Remembering the broken promises you didn’t keep,
You blocked the light, I couldn’t see,
The dagger that you hid from me,
I choke on the lies you said,
As my world began turning red,
My knees gave and I hit the floor,
You drove the blade in just little more,
Ripping the dagger out my chest,
You whispered this was for the best,
My heart beat one last time,
Then you were gone, though never mine.

Writers Block

Sorry I have not posted in awhile, I have been struggling to find a topic or inspiration. 

Honestly, I don’t know what is going on with me lately. The boy all my posts are about has been throwing me curve balls for days. I am happy, I mean it is great. He has been trying to hangout with me more and not the other way around and he has just been awesome to be with. Yet, I still am afraid to really go for it I guess. Afraid of rejection (again) and afraid of him saying yes, and leaving. I guess I have just had too many people leave. Right when I begin to let myself care, open up, and trust them, they go. So, now I guess I just resist them more. Even shut down on them so I don’t get hurt. If you don’t let yourself care, then they can’t break your heart. Probably not the best philosophy, but I don’t have a better one. Love and be loved is a lie. You can’t love enough for two people. Not everyone will love you back. I guess I didn’t have writers block, really it is just writers denial. If I didn’t admit to my fears, then they weren’t really there. I am too afraid to lose again, to even let myself try. Reality is really hard to swallow sometimes. I prefer to go back to when it melted in my mouth like cotton candy. 

Tragedy (N.)

A conflict with some overpowering force, as fate or society, to downfall or destruction.

It wasn’t fate today, this was intentional. Bombs aren’t fate, they are created with the sole purpose to cause harm and pain. To inflict fear in the hearts of all those who are to bare witness to it. To cause people to suffer, whether through loss, injury, or just fear. That is their goal, the people who did this, to create a tragedy. Because nothing is more shackling than fear. Nothing could entrap a person more easily, than their own fear. Those who did this hate the freedoms celebrated in America. So this is how they console themselves, they try to ruin what they do not have themselves. I will not be so easily scared. I will continue to enjoy my life, even more so now that this has happened. For me, while I still mourn this as a tragedy, this was nothing more than a reminder of how important it is to enjoy your life. Now more than ever I will enjoy life in memory of all those people who are no longer able to fully enjoy life. As a runner myself I will take even more pleasure in running. Running for every person who can no longer run. I will continue enjoying my life. This will not stop me, nothing will ever stop me. This is my life and you do not get to rob me of its pleasures so easily. Today they will not win.They will never win, for I am not beaten so easily. As long as I shall live, my soul will never be shackled down by their hatred and evil desires. This is a tragedy, but it is not my tragedy, so I shall continue to live my life. 

F-ing up my future.

The Future. I am afraid, no not afraid, I am terrified just thinking about it. Every minute I get closer to mine and all the realities of it become more and more clear to me. And every second it comes closer I find myself even more unprepared. I do not know what I want to do, or who I even want to be. I lost sight of my dream, not only that I have gone completely blind to the vision of who I want to become. I used to have a plan, had the biggest dreams of anyone I knew. Thought I could take the world by storm, but now I realise I have just been lost in the wind.  And it feels like everyone around my has a grip on their future, at least to some extent. But me, I am not even reaching out for anything. I am just letting myself fall, and it is all happening in slow motion. I want to scream out for someone to grab hold of me, save me before I crash, but I know I would only drag them down with me, so I have bitten my tongue. I feel more than unprepared or lost. Like I am lost in space and the air is getting ripped from my lungs as I try to breath. I am not ready for any of this and it is all going by so fast. Even as I fall apart time keeps moving on, every second I am older, closer to having to face everything on my own. And I can’t stare down reality, not yet. I am afraid of failing. Failing myself and everyone around me. I am not ready to grow up! But I know I have to. And it is scaring the hell out of me. 

I mean I always dreamed of college. Getting a job I love and living in a beautiful house somewhere. But I am not sure I can do it, and I have become too afraid to even try for it. I know I am just benching myself, faking an injury so I never have a chance to get hurt. But it is life and there is no sidelines to sit on as I watch it pass by. I can’t give up, but I am. I mean it is horrifying. How am I supposed to make it out there in the real world. The reality is, colleges are harder to get into the the Olympics. And I am not a brainiac, or some amazing athlete. I don’t stand out from the crowd in anyway. I am no better than any of my peers, in fact most of them are better than me. I don’t stand a chance to compete. And I just, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how I will ever face up to reality. Or how I will ever succeed. I don’t know who I will become, or even who I want to be. I don’t know if it is just me, but I do know I am scared. The future is unpredictable, and I am not ready.  

Image

Do not shoot the stars my child.

Do not shoot the stars my child,
They protect you in your sleep,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
Or our map will be incomplete,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
Their light shines with purity,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
For they guide us through the sea,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
Their beauty is one that is pure,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
Under their light we shall endure,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
But instead let them be,
Do not shoot the stars my child,
Let them remind you of me.

Flowers are born, only after the storm.

Some days you just want to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, wondering what you did to deserve this. Hopefully, when those days happen the sky will cloud and the rain will come to wash all your pain away, and remind you that while the storm may be difficult to go through, it is need to nourish the seed so that a flower may grow. True beauty is only ever seen after true pain has been suffered.Image

Battered Soul

Useless, empty, worthless, and broken,
The words on my lips that will remain unspoken,
Useless, because I am no longer capable,
For the pain I am in has become inescapable,
Empty, because of how I shut myself away,
For I never allow myself to hear the words they say,
Worthless, because I no longer can feel,
For reality has slipped away and I have lost sight of what’s real,
Broken, because of the wounds I carry,
For the pain I will suffer until my body they bury,
The scars are clear, though not marked on my skin,
They are marked by the pain of this hell I am locked in,
This life I hope will soon slip away,
For I can not suffer for another day.